Ever Felt Like This?

Terrible news! Aaron and Gabe have lost their Australian Accreditation! They must now spend their days squeezing Vegemite out of wombats and their nights being exposed to the cosmic horror of Round the Twist Season Two. Even the warm, familiar sight of a teen boy slathered in goo can’t shake the feeling that the Twist kids look different, that Tony is acting like an actual dad, or that Nell’s face has been replaced by an ever-shifting throne whose scale and geometry destroys most minds. Can New Pete get through a day’s worth of chicken impressions? Can NovaLinda stop summoning souls from the beyond? Can Neo Bronson ever hope to be as punchable as Bronson Classic™? All this and the knowledge that listening helps reduce our sentences.

Have you ever disliked a daughter so much you had to suture a clarinet to your face just to prevent your eternal soul from ever having to talk to her again? I guess this is what they call the Lighthouse Blues. In this riveting conclusion to the Nell’s Family Hates Her saga, some Gribble ex Machina leaves the Twists facing eviction and your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, facing some unusual questions when the local spectres come to the rescue. Does losing your virginity count if it’s to a pervy ghost? Why does Mr Henderson hate lighthouses so much? Will the special effects budget be increased next season? All this and nothing else in your Ever Felt Like This season finale!

 

When are speech impediments okay to make fun of? When they’re the post-mortem messages of a sailor delivered to you via a teleporting ghost dog! Without My Pants presents your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, with this answer but a variety of even stranger questions as Pete Twist insensitively tics his way through a driven tale of unfinished business, mouse-sensitive pickup artistry, and whether a kid in his undies digging a beach grave qualifies a town as “fun”. What is ghost dog faeces made of? Can Aaron feel shame? Is Snapper here? All this and more letters from our listenership that make me think they all live in a normal family’s crawlspace.

 

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What happens when Four Non Blondes breaches containment? Can an infected blonde be our chance at a cure? Should we acknowledge clowns as non-human persons? We answer none of these questions, but in our defence a horny clown made of straw is a bit of a distraction. The Twists are possessed by the spirits of a carnival that died in a shipwreck and also a lady clown who died in completely different circumstances because carnival folk all share a single pulsating biosoul that screams to me from beyond the veil.

 

In this heart-throbbing instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, do all they can to work out the difference between mind control and seduction. What does a teenage boy do when he’s unlucky in love? Well, if your name is Pete Twist and your erotic fantasies involve a cowboy costume and an alley, you accept some petrified chap stick from an Australian carnie guaranteed to drive the females wild. Magical lipstick that makes women kiss you? What is this, a hentai? The number of times adult women make out with underage boys in this episode indicates that yes, it is.

 

In this culturally significant instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, peer through an incredibly Australian lens to view incredibly Australian pastimes: racing animals that can’t race and possibly racist depictions of Asians. What’s faster, a toad or the speed at which your cosmopolitan upbringing cringes at a Japanese guy delightedly photographing a naked boy? Too late, you’re on a list. On the plus side, we find out what it takes to actually kill an Australian toad, whether or not you should scream at a teenage girl about shrivelling, and that our fans are depressing abominations.

 

This week, your Accredited Australians, Gabriel and Aaron, have to make a confession. Playing “Wild Colonial Boy” on a gum leaf will spread pain, just not by transmitting injuries. Everything else we say about this country is 100% true, though. Either way, this episode sees Linda take out her body dysmorphia in typical girl fashion: committing war crimes with forbidden weapons in nitrous oxide fuelled drug hallucinations. We think Teen Vogue did a whole issue on it. Speaking of issues, our listeners send us more stories, the kind that make us wish we didn’t have listeners.

What do you get when you combine David Lynch, David Cronenberg, and some of Australia's finest winos? Witness your Accredited Australians, Aaron Twist and Gabriel also Twist, as they put the halves of a brain they each have toward solving this baffling conundrum. The Two Daves' influence is felt everywhere, as the Twist family fail to learn a lesson from a wish-granting Santa monster, and pack a flashback into a dream sequence into a podcast blurb dear god how do I escape.

What features time freezing, force feeding, and stomach inflation but isn’t a pornographic Japanese cartoon? Why, it’s today’s episode of Round the Twist, “The Spaghetti Pigout”. Your abandoned Twists, Aaron and Gabriel, take a purely platonic look at how the dangerous new fad “elec-tricity” can turn the harmless VCR remote into a tool of really quite imaginable power. Thrill as the ABC effects department uses the fast forward button! Marvel as Gabriel struggles to tell two feral children apart! Shriek as Aaron points out some of Australia’s most frightening uggos! Cringe at stories from our listeners! It’s all here because nowhere else would take it.

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