Ever Felt Like This?

The Niranderthal Beast

Through acts of uncharacteristic competence, it is we, your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, unfrozen and wandering around your sleek, dazzling future. And what a future it is! One where we can witness episodes like “The Niranderthal Beast”, a harrowing tale of rampaging hordes, helpful Italians, and horny Matrons. Bronson has borrowed and broken the family heirloom razor, causing him to grow a mighty ginger beard. But it is not for tiny boychildren to be so endowed! And his appearance is believed to be that of a local cryptid. Will Bronson be doomed to resemble an enormous garden gnome his whole life? Is Matron’s face a turn-on? What does dandruff taste like? All this and letters from the lower homos we call fans. 

Truth Hits Everybody

By the gods and, let’s face it, various devils, it is us, your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, who are alive and definitely not replaced by trembling golems made from ants and pig fat. But keep that a secret, for this episode “Truth Hits Everybody” threatens to reveal it with a microphone that forces speakers to utter the truth. And what truths will be demanded? How about, will the new characters add anything to the series? Does watching scared children tap-dance qualify as television? Will Bronson break something trying to blow himself? All this and letters from the miserable little piles of secrets we call fans.

 

 

UMI IMU

Greetings, sweaty and curly listeners, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back from another unexpected Mark Mitchell eruption to discuss a tale of moderately false advertising. When your thumbnail is a screaming, Lawnmower Man-esque VR nightmare, one kind of assumes that to be the general idea of the story. Well, if you assume you make an ass out of u and Mark Mitchell because it’s a bodyswap episode! Typically done to explore themes of perspective and empathy, witness as Round the Twist innovates by not bothering to do that. Instead, we’re left to wonder where all the sweaty, curly men went; whether carnies own rats or if it’s the other way around; and if anyone can really understand what it’s like to be in the wrong skin. All this and some unfortunately phallic letters from the encrusted members we call fans.

Whirling Derfish

Greetings—or should that be “how’s it hanging?”—it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back for another spin ‘Round the Twist that puts the “oo” in doozy. We’ve joked so much about shirtless teen boys that the series has upped the ante with actual child penis. But fear not, it’s no ordinary penis! This one’s ginger, but it also spins after an accidental fish swallowing gifting its Bronsony host with powers most astounding. Are aquarium staff specifically trained to not look at child penises? How does a foreskin affect drag? Has watching this made us accessories to something? All this and questions from the spun meat we call fans.

 

The Viking Book of Love

Hwæt and lo, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to conquer your minds and pillage your hearts with another Round the Twist episode. But what if this did not contain talk of such an episode? That’s the puzzle at the heart of The Viking Book of Love that contains lots of Vikings and a scant few seconds of the eponymous book, which actually makes sense given the plot is almost non-existent. Can Linda hone her serialised moments down to a 3-second nub? Did Vikings really have horns? Can you re-gift a love slave? All this and letters from the trembling berserkers we call fans.

 

The Big Burp

It’s season three which means all new faces for your recently re-accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, to get used to. But fear not, as the episode’s subject matter will make new faces seem as familiar as the mysterious barcode birthmarks on the undersides of all Australian feet. Speaking of traumatic experiences we all refuse to speak about, this story begins with Pete finding love by urinating with baffling force onto a very pleased girl and it only gets more troubling from there. Will Pete learn anything about responsibility? Is new Bronson as annoying as his previous incarnations or are his threats to impregnate his step-mother too distracting? Is there only one Linda, kept young through a mix of drugs and abuse? All this and letters from the puddles of kept afterbirth we call fans.

 

Seeing the Light

Avert your eyes, you ill-bred work-shirkers, lest your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, blind you with the thrilling-ish conclusion to season two of Round the Twist. Two ghosts use lightning powers to bodyjack the lighthouse occupants in a desperate attempt to stop other ghosts from ghost dying by real lighting a lighthouse. And they may as well borrow some bodies as there’re dozens to spare in a building as awkwardly packed as the plot. Is a re-engagement announcement a thing? Will Jeremiah pay for his ghost crimes? Ever scream with a Gribble in the pale moonlight? All this and letters from the genetic bilge we call fans.

Little Black Balls

Ahoy, you homeless barrel-wearers, it’s your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, with some hot investment advice. Are you tired of losing your money in crypto? Of course you are! Might we suggest investing your baby’s food money in GOAT! Yes, GOAT! Just look at this testimonial episode from Bronson here as he discovers the amazing ROI of GOAT, a 200% gain! Sure, all you have to do is claw through its faeces like an OCD fetishist, but it’s that or actual fetish work, so get to pinching. Are cockatoo miracles more stable than electric money? Does Bronson count as a pump-n-dump? What’s up with that police officer? All this and letters from the flyswatter detritus we call fans.

 

 

Quivering Heap

Greetings, boys and GHOULS, it’s your Una-crypt-ed Australians, Gort and Amityville, here for another terra-fying story of southern spooks. Punk’s not dead, it’s just stuck haunting one of Australia’s Heritage listed brutalist toilet blocks. Meanwhile, Snapper has written another play designed to let him watch children make out, which is fine with Pete who wants to suck the neck of the girl he’s already dating, and also fine with Gribble who seeks to usurp Pete’s position. Watch these two stories collide in an explosion of juvenile bum-cheeks and the realisation that the only god is bureaucracy. Can nobody label switches? What’s wrong with Bronson? Would you leave a screaming child locked in a concrete fortress/toilet? All this and letters from the tiny, green toilet goblins we call fans.

 

Yuckles

Today your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, along with your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, team up to witness a mushroom story that would have been silly before Star Trek Discovery. Gribble plans to put a plastic casino forest, which sounds like a Sonic stage, on top of an existing forest, which sounds like a Sonic plot. The only thing stopping him is the possible existence of Yuckles, a fungus with a secret. Why would they threaten us with two Bronsons? How are Pete’s testicles doing? Would anyone watch my remake of The Thing featuring Bronson? All this and too many letters from our audience because their cages were improperly secured.