Ever Felt Like This?

Greetings, boys and GHOULS, it’s your Una-crypt-ed Australians, Gort and Amityville, here for another terra-fying story of southern spooks. Punk’s not dead, it’s just stuck haunting one of Australia’s Heritage listed brutalist toilet blocks. Meanwhile, Snapper has written another play designed to let him watch children make out, which is fine with Pete who wants to suck the neck of the girl he’s already dating, and also fine with Gribble who seeks to usurp Pete’s position. Watch these two stories collide in an explosion of juvenile bum-cheeks and the realisation that the only god is bureaucracy. Can nobody label switches? What’s wrong with Bronson? Would you leave a screaming child locked in a concrete fortress/toilet? All this and letters from the tiny, green toilet goblins we call fans.

 

Today your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, along with your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, team up to witness a mushroom story that would have been silly before Star Trek Discovery. Gribble plans to put a plastic casino forest, which sounds like a Sonic stage, on top of an existing forest, which sounds like a Sonic plot. The only thing stopping him is the possible existence of Yuckles, a fungus with a secret. Why would they threaten us with two Bronsons? How are Pete’s testicles doing? Would anyone watch my remake of The Thing featuring Bronson? All this and too many letters from our audience because their cages were improperly secured.

Fan of Game of Thrones? Good news! This week, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, find themselves stuck to an episode of Round the Twist that actively endorses incest. Our sweet, innocent minds were certain this puberty-tackling plot was simply going to settle for a frozen love doll, but why do that when you can dive headfirst into cousin-bonking. Awkwardly squirm along with your hosts as they endure an episode brave enough to completely forgo subtext. Is Snapper in a cardigan the Ultimate Male? Can Gribble’s political ambitions survive a caricature so gentle it gives him better hair? Will anyone face charges for the dream sequences in this episode? All this and no letters from our audience because we recorded this one on time!

 

Wake up! Race downstairs! Check beneath the Jacaranda tree growing through your floor for your traditional Ausmas gift of eyeballs! Such is the power of representation that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, veer closer to re-accreditation during the episode, “Grampa’s Gifts”. Loosely based on Australia’s oldest cultural tradition (thirty-five this year), this episode crams a lot into a small space and trims a bit to get it to fit. Is it safe to wake a sleepwalking fruit-picker? Do foxes even eat lemons? Would you sell Bronson to slavers to save your marriage, or would you just do it for fun? All this and letters produced by remote viewers peering into the minds of our only technically human fans.

 

OVIPOSITORS! Now that I’ve got your attention I can also tell you that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, have also got Bronson’s attention with that loud interjection. And it’s attention we desperately need, if we’re ever to get our accreditation back, as the episode Smelly Feat sticks the landing better than we could ever have predicted. What could possibly validate feet so feral they look like they’re made out of goanna foreskin? An important event that just so happens to coincide with the marriage of Tony and Fay. How will Bronson choose between something important to him and helping his dad get laid? Did Tony waste his life on art when he could have been a successful cake decorator? Is a submarine the opposite of a lighthouse? All these questions possibly answered as well as letters from our audience that make you glad you’re not them.

 

WARNING! Until re-accreditation, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, qualify as trash. It is most likely due to this that we were wrenched toward Sloppy Jalopy, an episode of Round the Twist as sloppy as the titular jalopy. Leaning into the great Australian literary tradition of having dumps explain everything, magic earrings attract garbage and if you dare ask why you’ll be subjected to 3 hours of the Farting Tube. A better question would be, why are children allowed to get their ears pierced in Port Neranda? Will Nell win the election or will they break Bonson’s legs and give the job to him? Should we add more words that rhyme with “sloppy” or eliminate the ones that exist? All this and the kinds of emails that we can only assume mean one of us has a magic earring somewhere on their person.

 

Huzzah! Your Unaccredited Australians are back with another deep dive into the shallow pool of local culture. This time our fractured necks emerge strengthened by NAILS! A word that can mean a variety of things, such as “nails”, “nails”, and even “nails”. This timeless Round the Twist episode relates the classic moral that it’s okay to be grotesquely disfigured so long as you’re really good looking via that narrative’s standard media: horny fourteen-year-old girls. Can Tony find the Bra Shop? Is Bronson Dorksexual? Does Linda find out if having a middle-aged man urinate in your ear is good for heartbreak? All this and the kinds of letters from our fans that prove the worst forms of stereotypes.

 

AUSTRALIA! The result of Eng-Land’s finest phrenology-based class science, it is now home to the globe’s premier examples of the criminal browline and ne’er-do-well sphenoid. Today’s episode delights the criminal glands, which is the most your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, can hope for since their de-accreditation has made all crime illegal. It centres on two fellows of pristine criminal countenance liberating paper money and a valuable science machine from the state, only to be stymied by some degenerate children and the mysterious machine itself. Is there a naked teenage boy in this episode? Does Bronson kill things and wear them as socks? Are you going to finish that? All this, letters from our nitwits, and the reminder that Patronage keeps us from stealing your things are contained within.

 

Turn your trickle into a torrent as your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, desperately try to pay for re-accreditation via the sale of non-spurious ENHANCEMENT PILLS. What makes our calcified combinations of kelp and amphetamine analogues different from the competition? Why, just ask Bronson, who starts this episode unable to perform in front of a braying cluster of mid-pubescent boys only to come back and wow them with his VITALITY and VIGOUR. It’s WATER SPIRITS! That’s right, the sapient embodiment of wetness, once furious about Gribble’s attempt to dam its home, now produces mysterious grindings we feed to you through various loopholes in vitamin regulation. Can Bronson keep this performance up? What are the side-effects? How does the Water Spirit operate a car? No, seriously, what are the side-effects? All this, and some letters that make us ashamed to have fans can be found within.

 

When does a landlocked Nepal have a beach? When it’s landlocked Mongolia! Now that that koan has blasted you into a Zen state of oneness with the universe you’ll be able to help your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, as they try to deduce the properties of a magic hat. It’s a cat, if that helps, and looks like Garfield by way of Akira and a hattery. What its eyes see is what you do, which is great if it sees something good but sub-great if it sees something unspeakable. Speaking of unspeakable, a rural Australian town is flinging its citizens from a pier again, but there are colourful streamers so it’s a Birdman competition and not the grim process by which we remove the readin’ types. All this and letters from the grim genetic flotsam we call fans.