Ever Felt Like This?

Smelly Feat

OVIPOSITORS! Now that I’ve got your attention I can also tell you that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, have also got Bronson’s attention with that loud interjection. And it’s attention we desperately need, if we’re ever to get our accreditation back, as the episode Smelly Feat sticks the landing better than we could ever have predicted. What could possibly validate feet so feral they look like they’re made out of goanna foreskin? An important event that just so happens to coincide with the marriage of Tony and Fay. How will Bronson choose between something important to him and helping his dad get laid? Did Tony waste his life on art when he could have been a successful cake decorator? Is a submarine the opposite of a lighthouse? All these questions possibly answered as well as letters from our audience that make you glad you’re not them.

 

Sloppy Jalopy

WARNING! Until re-accreditation, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, qualify as trash. It is most likely due to this that we were wrenched toward Sloppy Jalopy, an episode of Round the Twist as sloppy as the titular jalopy. Leaning into the great Australian literary tradition of having dumps explain everything, magic earrings attract garbage and if you dare ask why you’ll be subjected to 3 hours of the Farting Tube. A better question would be, why are children allowed to get their ears pierced in Port Neranda? Will Nell win the election or will they break Bonson’s legs and give the job to him? Should we add more words that rhyme with “sloppy” or eliminate the ones that exist? All this and the kinds of emails that we can only assume mean one of us has a magic earring somewhere on their person.

 

Nails

Huzzah! Your Unaccredited Australians are back with another deep dive into the shallow pool of local culture. This time our fractured necks emerge strengthened by NAILS! A word that can mean a variety of things, such as “nails”, “nails”, and even “nails”. This timeless Round the Twist episode relates the classic moral that it’s okay to be grotesquely disfigured so long as you’re really good looking via that narrative’s standard media: horny fourteen-year-old girls. Can Tony find the Bra Shop? Is Bronson Dorksexual? Does Linda find out if having a middle-aged man urinate in your ear is good for heartbreak? All this and the kinds of letters from our fans that prove the worst forms of stereotypes.

 

Pink Bowtie

AUSTRALIA! The result of Eng-Land’s finest phrenology-based class science, it is now home to the globe’s premier examples of the criminal browline and ne’er-do-well sphenoid. Today’s episode delights the criminal glands, which is the most your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, can hope for since their de-accreditation has made all crime illegal. It centres on two fellows of pristine criminal countenance liberating paper money and a valuable science machine from the state, only to be stymied by some degenerate children and the mysterious machine itself. Is there a naked teenage boy in this episode? Does Bronson kill things and wear them as socks? Are you going to finish that? All this, letters from our nitwits, and the reminder that Patronage keeps us from stealing your things are contained within.

 

Little Squirt

Turn your trickle into a torrent as your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, desperately try to pay for re-accreditation via the sale of non-spurious ENHANCEMENT PILLS. What makes our calcified combinations of kelp and amphetamine analogues different from the competition? Why, just ask Bronson, who starts this episode unable to perform in front of a braying cluster of mid-pubescent boys only to come back and wow them with his VITALITY and VIGOUR. It’s WATER SPIRITS! That’s right, the sapient embodiment of wetness, once furious about Gribble’s attempt to dam its home, now produces mysterious grindings we feed to you through various loopholes in vitamin regulation. Can Bronson keep this performance up? What are the side-effects? How does the Water Spirit operate a car? No, seriously, what are the side-effects? All this, and some letters that make us ashamed to have fans can be found within.

 

Copy Cat

When does a landlocked Nepal have a beach? When it’s landlocked Mongolia! Now that that koan has blasted you into a Zen state of oneness with the universe you’ll be able to help your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, as they try to deduce the properties of a magic hat. It’s a cat, if that helps, and looks like Garfield by way of Akira and a hattery. What its eyes see is what you do, which is great if it sees something good but sub-great if it sees something unspeakable. Speaking of unspeakable, a rural Australian town is flinging its citizens from a pier again, but there are colourful streamers so it’s a Birdman competition and not the grim process by which we remove the readin’ types. All this and letters from the grim genetic flotsam we call fans.

Next Time Around

Terrible news! Aaron and Gabe have lost their Australian Accreditation! They must now spend their days squeezing Vegemite out of wombats and their nights being exposed to the cosmic horror of Round the Twist Season Two. Even the warm, familiar sight of a teen boy slathered in goo can’t shake the feeling that the Twist kids look different, that Tony is acting like an actual dad, or that Nell’s face has been replaced by an ever-shifting throne whose scale and geometry destroys most minds. Can New Pete get through a day’s worth of chicken impressions? Can NovaLinda stop summoning souls from the beyond? Can Neo Bronson ever hope to be as punchable as Bronson Classic™? All this and the knowledge that listening helps reduce our sentences.

Lighthouse Blues

Have you ever disliked a daughter so much you had to suture a clarinet to your face just to prevent your eternal soul from ever having to talk to her again? I guess this is what they call the Lighthouse Blues. In this riveting conclusion to the Nell’s Family Hates Her saga, some Gribble ex Machina leaves the Twists facing eviction and your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, facing some unusual questions when the local spectres come to the rescue. Does losing your virginity count if it’s to a pervy ghost? Why does Mr Henderson hate lighthouses so much? Will the special effects budget be increased next season? All this and nothing else in your Ever Felt Like This season finale!

 

Without my Pants

When are speech impediments okay to make fun of? When they’re the post-mortem messages of a sailor delivered to you via a teleporting ghost dog! Without My Pants presents your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, with this answer but a variety of even stranger questions as Pete Twist insensitively tics his way through a driven tale of unfinished business, mouse-sensitive pickup artistry, and whether a kid in his undies digging a beach grave qualifies a town as “fun”. What is ghost dog faeces made of? Can Aaron feel shame? Is Snapper here? All this and more letters from our listenership that make me think they all live in a normal family’s crawlspace.

 

The Copy

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