Ever Felt Like This?

Little Squirt

Turn your trickle into a torrent as your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, desperately try to pay for re-accreditation via the sale of non-spurious ENHANCEMENT PILLS. What makes our calcified combinations of kelp and amphetamine analogues different from the competition? Why, just ask Bronson, who starts this episode unable to perform in front of a braying cluster of mid-pubescent boys only to come back and wow them with his VITALITY and VIGOUR. It’s WATER SPIRITS! That’s right, the sapient embodiment of wetness, once furious about Gribble’s attempt to dam its home, now produces mysterious grindings we feed to you through various loopholes in vitamin regulation. Can Bronson keep this performance up? What are the side-effects? How does the Water Spirit operate a car? No, seriously, what are the side-effects? All this, and some letters that make us ashamed to have fans can be found within.

 

Copy Cat

When does a landlocked Nepal have a beach? When it’s landlocked Mongolia! Now that that koan has blasted you into a Zen state of oneness with the universe you’ll be able to help your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, as they try to deduce the properties of a magic hat. It’s a cat, if that helps, and looks like Garfield by way of Akira and a hattery. What its eyes see is what you do, which is great if it sees something good but sub-great if it sees something unspeakable. Speaking of unspeakable, a rural Australian town is flinging its citizens from a pier again, but there are colourful streamers so it’s a Birdman competition and not the grim process by which we remove the readin’ types. All this and letters from the grim genetic flotsam we call fans.

Next Time Around

Terrible news! Aaron and Gabe have lost their Australian Accreditation! They must now spend their days squeezing Vegemite out of wombats and their nights being exposed to the cosmic horror of Round the Twist Season Two. Even the warm, familiar sight of a teen boy slathered in goo can’t shake the feeling that the Twist kids look different, that Tony is acting like an actual dad, or that Nell’s face has been replaced by an ever-shifting throne whose scale and geometry destroys most minds. Can New Pete get through a day’s worth of chicken impressions? Can NovaLinda stop summoning souls from the beyond? Can Neo Bronson ever hope to be as punchable as Bronson Classic™? All this and the knowledge that listening helps reduce our sentences.

Lighthouse Blues

Have you ever disliked a daughter so much you had to suture a clarinet to your face just to prevent your eternal soul from ever having to talk to her again? I guess this is what they call the Lighthouse Blues. In this riveting conclusion to the Nell’s Family Hates Her saga, some Gribble ex Machina leaves the Twists facing eviction and your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, facing some unusual questions when the local spectres come to the rescue. Does losing your virginity count if it’s to a pervy ghost? Why does Mr Henderson hate lighthouses so much? Will the special effects budget be increased next season? All this and nothing else in your Ever Felt Like This season finale!

 

Without my Pants

When are speech impediments okay to make fun of? When they’re the post-mortem messages of a sailor delivered to you via a teleporting ghost dog! Without My Pants presents your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, with this answer but a variety of even stranger questions as Pete Twist insensitively tics his way through a driven tale of unfinished business, mouse-sensitive pickup artistry, and whether a kid in his undies digging a beach grave qualifies a town as “fun”. What is ghost dog faeces made of? Can Aaron feel shame? Is Snapper here? All this and more letters from our listenership that make me think they all live in a normal family’s crawlspace.

 

The Copy

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Know All

What happens when Four Non Blondes breaches containment? Can an infected blonde be our chance at a cure? Should we acknowledge clowns as non-human persons? We answer none of these questions, but in our defence a horny clown made of straw is a bit of a distraction. The Twists are possessed by the spirits of a carnival that died in a shipwreck and also a lady clown who died in completely different circumstances because carnival folk all share a single pulsating biosoul that screams to me from beyond the veil.

 

Lucky Lips

In this heart-throbbing instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, do all they can to work out the difference between mind control and seduction. What does a teenage boy do when he’s unlucky in love? Well, if your name is Pete Twist and your erotic fantasies involve a cowboy costume and an alley, you accept some petrified chap stick from an Australian carnie guaranteed to drive the females wild. Magical lipstick that makes women kiss you? What is this, a hentai? The number of times adult women make out with underage boys in this episode indicates that yes, it is.

 

Wunderpants

In this culturally significant instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, peer through an incredibly Australian lens to view incredibly Australian pastimes: racing animals that can’t race and possibly racist depictions of Asians. What’s faster, a toad or the speed at which your cosmopolitan upbringing cringes at a Japanese guy delightedly photographing a naked boy? Too late, you’re on a list. On the plus side, we find out what it takes to actually kill an Australian toad, whether or not you should scream at a teenage girl about shrivelling, and that our fans are depressing abominations.

 

The Gum Leaf War

This week, your Accredited Australians, Gabriel and Aaron, have to make a confession. Playing “Wild Colonial Boy” on a gum leaf will spread pain, just not by transmitting injuries. Everything else we say about this country is 100% true, though. Either way, this episode sees Linda take out her body dysmorphia in typical girl fashion: committing war crimes with forbidden weapons in nitrous oxide fuelled drug hallucinations. We think Teen Vogue did a whole issue on it. Speaking of issues, our listeners send us more stories, the kind that make us wish we didn’t have listeners.